I am attempting to start a blog, where I will aim to write at least once a week. I can be a very lazy person and I can also be very good at avoiding the things that need to do. Like applying for university or going to work and sometimes it can even get as bad as me avoiding to take a bath. I have decided that because I’m turning 20 THIS YEAR, that now is the time to take my life into my own hands and be an Adult. At this point in my life I am 19, I rent my own flat with my most loving partner, I work at a book shop as an “office worker” (listing books on amazon), I own 2 rats, Aggie and Boota, annnnd I have officially registered at OU studying Psychology and Criminology.
Almost 4 years ago I met my partner in college, he was handsome with longer hair and a quiet smile and I fell in love within the month of meeting him, I knew that I wanted to have a relationship with him, little did I know that 4 years later we would be celebrating our 3rd anniversary and living together and both loving our beautiful rats. We decided around August time 2016 to get a small house pet so that we wouldnt be lonely in our empty flat, and we fell upon these rats and fell in love.
This first entry into my online diary/blog has been nice to write and introduce myself as well as my life, and I hope that every week I keep it updated. I will also be writing any little short stories I have or any characters I create. I also hope to relieve my stress on here when I finally start my course onto higher education. #
So after being out of work for way over a month now, I am jumping back in on Monday Morning. The big bad dreaded Monday Morning.
The job I have accepted needs a lot of knowledge within the area. And apart from whatever it is my mum mumbles about when shes had a bad day, I have the littlest clue. I’ve been revising the little I have been taught on my so called induction day. I feel as though I’m ready to be thrown into the deep end and left to drown until i find my seas legs and start to float above the rest.
I will be working with my mother and my closest friend from school. I am more nervous about working with them both than the actual role of the job. I couldn’t live with my mum, she was impossible and we clashed too much. Since moving away from her I feel like our relationship has improved a lot, but now i’m scared that working with her again could be a mistake. And my best friend hasn’t been there a year yet, there are rumors that she may not be sticking around, and my mum is afraid that my success in this job could mean the end of her career. I don’t want to be the reason that my friend is left without a job. I do have a tactile plan to deal with them both.
My job will become a career. And I need to spend some time focusing on my own needs and life.
It was crap, I have been in an existential crisis.
I have spent all my spare time in the last 2 weeks looking for jobs in my area. It is only at this point that I realise how uneducated I actually am. I have all the basics. But I have nothing special. Nothing that I can get paid for, I really need the money at this point. I’m actually so scared of telling any of my family members at this point how f****d we actually are.
Next month I will be homeless. No internet, no clothes, no food. Isn’t it funny the order of that? I prioritise internet over food, its like its hard to live without it.
I am Fucked. No other words, nothing else is going off in my head. Its really shit 😦
So I lost yet again another job last week, one that I loved, working with books, all i’ve wanted since I was about 9. So after that mishap we decided we would be in terrible trouble with money. and we are, oh boy we are deep in the shitter.
And today, I went to my other job feeling good, thinking that if I lost everything at least I would still have that place. It was more like going to see my family, I was always welcome and felt so cared for. And then, just as I was about to leave and get ready for the bank holiday weekend ahead. My boos pulled me up, and explained that he no longer wanted the business, he was getting rid and I was the first to leave. I don’t care so much about the money, I have just lost a family, I lost my uncle, a brother, some annoying cousin turns out. I loved it there. If there was one job that I was gonna be happy in for all of my life, it would have been that one.
A lot of stress has been happening in my life. I feel all of these thoughts in my head and I really cannot control them. I scare myself sometimes. I finally have my independence and I feel like it could be slipping through my fingers. I’m losing everything.
So today, I’m ill, and so is my partner. It turns out the flu season is upon us and we can’t get to the doctors. We have called in sick and we aren’t going to work so there’s a little whoop of joy in our weakened hearts. We still have to go and see his mum because we never made the effort on mothers day.
I like the flu, I enjoy being lazy and I enjoy the pain of being ill, because when I get better I’m going to feel like a new person. But at this minute I’m only just getting it and the headaches are unbearable and the coughing is actually more annoying than painful. I can’t wait to cuddle up with a movie and some soup. Soup is one of my favourite comfort foods. Its warm and you dont need to chew or go to any effort to make it. Mushroom soup and vegetable soup are among my favourites, my homemade mushroom soup is probably the best, thats only according to my boyfriend though.
I feel really bad taking days off of work for illness, especially when at one job I only work for 2 days out of the week and I decided to make today the day I don’t show up. It feels selfish but its hard for me to get my head around the concept that sometimes I have be selfish in order to be great for everyone else. Well… Maybe not great, but I do try and I hope people see that sometimes.
I’m going to spend the rest of my day eating soup and drinking fruit tea and hopefully I can be right back at again tomorrow with working and earning money.